Joe Vomvolakis: The Lesson of Forgiveness
Twenty-three years after I became a victim of a life-altering violent crime I can confidently state in the authority of one who knows that forgiveness is not about forgiving the person responsible for causing the hurt or harm, but rather it is using the wisdom and perspective gained from the experience and taking steps to release the pain and energy associated with it.
Like me, you may arrive at a place where you make a commitment to yourself to do whatever you have to do to feel better. I learned that forgiveness is a personal thing, and not for anyone else. I also recently realized while writing a letter to the Board of Prison Parole Hearings that the journey becomes remarkably easier when you give up expecting things from other people, or your life. I was struck with how dramatically my attitude toward the person who murdered my brother has changed and transformed through the passing of time. I noticed that I have moved from feelings of deep anguish, rage, revenge and retribution to compassion, forgiveness and loving-kindness. I now believe that forgiveness is the only way. It is no longer my concern as to whether or not the perpetrator is ready to be forgiven; instead in this forum on SpirituallyConscious.com I am simply conveying what I have learned about healing, knowing with confidence that it has helped me mend my heart.
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning their actions. What I sought was personal peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you, taking life experiences less personally, and changing your grievance story.”
Forgiveness is in no way endorsing what happened as being okay, because with as much pain, anguish and heartache the murder of my brother caused me and the members of my family it is not okay. Forgiveness is not about making bad behavior is okay, instead forgiveness is a feeling or a thought that rises up inside of you and says,”I’m ready! I’m ready right now in this moment in my life to let go of what happened because there is something in me that wants to go on.”
Personally, I arrived at a point where I was not willing to let my brother’s murder (or the person who murdered him) rule my life anymore, not for one more second, because I didn’t want the energy from my personal tragedy to infect my present or my future anymore.
While my brother’s murderer was caught, tried, convicted and sentenced to prison, I found that I had built my own prison and essentially issued myself a life sentence. The ways in which we hold ourselves "prisoners of our thoughts" are well documented in the work of many who explore the landscape of our psycho-spiritual lives. Deepak Chopra states "We erect and build a prison, and the tragedy is that we cannot even see the walls of this prison." It is through our own search for meaning that we are able to reshape our patterns of thinking, ‘unfreeze’ ourselves from our limited perspective, find the key, and unlock the door of our metaphorical prison cell.”
I have learned that forgiveness is remembering that we all possess the “vision” to see that every person, every thing, is an extension of a perfect, loving Spirit―holy and sinless. And because there is no “sin” to be forgiven, forgiving is simply loving everyone and everything unconditionally. By contrast, an unforgiving attitude or judgment sees nothing of the Spirit each of us is, but condemns and rejects based on what they look like or, how they perform or, in Ken Luther’s case, how he behaved. While a forgiving attitude does not ignore these things, it never blames, condemns or rejects anyone, even when actions result in pain. And a person who has learned to forgive himself is able to face up to his errors honestly, and correct them, because he never for even an instant feels rejected by a loving Spirit. Aware of being perfectly loved (by God or whatever an individual believes in), one feels no guilt, and experiences no hurt when others disapprove.*
Nearly every spiritual tradition, every metaphysical philosophy, every how-to, self-help forgiveness book, all of them in some way recognizes about how forgiveness energy is healthy, how it’s good for you, it’s a good habit. There is no down side to the energy of forgiveness. In fact, what it does is it creates a new infinite field of possibility in us because it releases the energy of resentment we were holding on to. Some people talk about how forgiveness energy creates in us the potential to be more prosperous. I learned that there is freedom in that, a new ability to take risks again, to be liberated again, to be a whole person again.
Finally, I have found it to be beneficial throughout the healing process to revisit and amend my personal grievance story from time to time to remind myself of my own choice to forgive.
I have been able to turn the experience of my brother’s murder into a valuable lesson, instructing me on the ways of love, compassion, mercy and forgiveness. I honor him and his memory by being a living example of these enlightened qualities. It is my hope that you can and will do the same regardless of what your personal story is.
- Chris Vomvolakis
* Adapted from A Course in Miracles
Do you have a personal forgiveness story to share? If so, send it to me at vomvo@sbcglobal.net and I'll post it here.
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Click here to read my 2005 Op-Ed piece on the subject of forgiveness that appeared in the Santa Cruz Sentinel.
Santa Cruz Sentinel Editor Don Miller's article on forgiveness
Click here to see Sentinel reader responses.
2007 article on parole in the Watsonville Register-Pajaronian.
September 11, 2009 press release from the Santa Cruz County District Attorney.